we are not born to drown
by signelchan
Summary: Or, at least, most people are not. But most people are not Kaito Momota, now are they? The journey of one man's last weeks with the guidance of the woman who loves him.


**tw: character death, blood, suicide discussion**

Usually when Maki got messages telling her that someone needed to talk to her, it was about something that had been executed poorly relating to work that she needed to go clean up, so when it was Kaito sending her those words—not even that _he_ needed to talk, just that _someone_ did—it was a bit concerning. He'd always been more than open about things he wanted to tell her, never prefacing them with anything but maybe an inspirational quote, so his method of going about things this time was strange. Her hope was that the someone in question was one of their friends, and that he'd been put up to relaying the message to her to save face or something.

But when she got to his apartment and let herself in, finding all of the lights off and the TV the only source of illumination in the otherwise dark room, that hope was gone and she was left wondering what had happened to put them in this situation. "I can't see a thing in here, idiot, where are you?" she called out, turning the light closest to the door on to give her a chance to find him, but all she found was missing furniture, walls stripped mostly bare, and a scattering of pill bottles all over the floor. Her breath froze in her chest when she saw the sheer number of bottles, and when she bent down to examine them she found the labels torn off, the insides completely bare, no sign of what they'd once held.

This was beginning to look less like her boyfriend's lived-in apartment and more like a crime scene, and when she heard the unmistakable sound of retching coming from his bedroom she dropped the bottle and ran towards the source of the noise, kicking clear a path as she went. "Kaito, you moron, there are other ways to—" She wasn't sure where she was going with that thought, but when she body-slammed his door open and found him on the bare bed, rolled on his side with what looked to be blood falling out of his mouth into a waiting trash can, her mind immediately went back to the possibility that she'd considered when she'd first come inside, and she leapt to the bed and began shaking him, as if it would do anything to alleviate the situation. "You can't go killing yourself like this!"

He responded by trying to knock her away, spitting whatever was left in his mouth into the can below. "Who said anything about me killing myself?" he asked, his voice gravelly until he coughed, spat out some more blood, and spoke with a more normal tone. "I couldn't even hear ya come inside, that's how hard I was dying in here. Sorry you had to see me like this, but…it's probably for the best you find out this way."

"Find what out? That you're suicidal?" Never before had Maki imagined the possibility that her strange, excitable, always-smiling boyfriend had a genuine death wish, but with the way his face contorted into a grimace at the suggestion perhaps she was actually off the mark on that guess. "You're going to explain to me why you're in here overdosing, aren't you?"

The grimace disappeared as Kaito was clearly thinking about what had led her to that conclusion, followed by a pained smile. "Where'd you get that idea? If anything, I'm trying to get _off_ of those things, not take more of them!"

"Take…more?" she repeated, getting off of the bed and walking out of the room, backwards so that she never stopped facing him, until she was able to see him and the collection of bottles on the floor. "There's enough different medication bottles out here to fill a pharmacy, and you're trying to tell me you're not taking any of them?"

"That's not exactly it, but it's a lot to explain to someone." Sitting himself up, Kaito looked down and realized he'd been laying there shirtless when she'd walked in, and the combination of what he knew was out in the rest of the apartment as well as the state he'd just been in was not doing him any favors. "Trust me when I say that I wasn't trying to kill myself, because that's taking the easy way out of things."

She wasn't buying what he was saying, but he seemed insistent on making her take his position so she sighed and decided not to argue with him more. "Okay, whatever, but do you want to die? Is that part of it?"

"C'mon Maki Roll, I know that you had to see a lot when you came inside, but none of this is me wanting to die." He started sounding choked up and he coughed, having to lean over to spit more blood out into the trash. "I already told ya, it's a lot to explain to someone, so do me a favor and come with me tomorrow. I know a guy who can tell you what's going on a lot easier than I could."

The possibility that the person he was speaking of was the dealer who'd hooked him up with the medicines she was certain he hadn't ever needed was there, as was the possibility that she'd come over in the morning to find him dead, but trusting in Kaito blindly was one of those things that he really appreciated when it happened. "I'll work it into my schedule," she said after looking at the bottles from the corner of her eye, before her attention went back to him as he got off the bed and picked up his shirt off the floor to put it back on. It was while he was re-dressing that she noticed the hospital band around his wrist, and the temptation to ask him about it was there. Instead, she held her tongue and drew attention back to what had distracted her upon entry. "You going to tell me about the bottles, or am I going to be left clueless about those?"

"They were in a bag behind the couch, when the movers came and took it I guess they ripped the bag and they all spilled out. I was always scared of throwing them away, didn't want someone going through my trash and thinking I was a druggie." Now with his shirt on, Kaito came to Maki's side and lifted her up in a hug for a few seconds, and it was in that short time while he was holding her tightly to him that she could hear that each breath he took sounded weak, like he was struggling to breathe even though he looked fine. "I've got all the labels around here somewhere, didn't want those getting tossed either."

"They're all prescribed to you?" Her question came after she thought about how she'd never once seen him trying to medicate, in all the time they'd been dating or even before that. When he nodded, she stepped away from him to go investigate the bottles closer. "You could've fooled me, I wouldn't have guessed that you ever took anything."

"It wasn't exactly something I wanted people to know, especially when things were under control, but now…yeah, you'll understand tomorrow." Those last four words were spoken with sadness, and she looked over at him and saw that he'd shrank back, with downcast eyes and an expression that she'd never imagined seeing Kaito making. He was always so happy and quick to be inspiring, whatever had him down must have been something even his blind optimism couldn't overcome.

That was exactly what it was, and when they were sitting in the little room at the hospital the next day, Kaito barely able to look Maki in the eye as they waited for the doctor he'd been sent there to see to come inside, she was beginning to expect the worst from their meeting. At that point, coming face-to-face with a drug dealer would have been preferable, because at least then an addiction would have been something they could work through together. The wing of the hospital they were in was right next to the intensive care unit, right by where the people on death's door were clinging to life with little hope, and it didn't seem like anywhere they should have been as such young, lively people.

By the time the doctor had come inside, greeting Kaito like an old friend before introducing himself to Maki as a respiratory disease specialist, she'd come to accept that whatever she was going to be told there was nothing she'd ever expect to hear. The title the doctor gave himself made her assume that Kaito was just dealing with a little illness, that he'd be better if he did as he was told, but when the next words after his introduction were "I have some bad news to deliver to you, on behalf of my patient here", she knew that this was going to be serious business. With Kaito sitting next to her, trying his hardest not to look at her as she heard, in detail, the extent of the rare mutation of a disease that her boyfriend had been living with his whole life, she had to put on a brave face and keep any tears from falling over something that she knew was pointless fearmongering. There was no way he was as sick as this doctor was saying, for as long as he was claiming for, and she wasn't going to buy a word of it.

Yet the moment the doctor mentioned that all treatments had been exhausted and the final step was to begin preparing for end-of-life care, the days of Kaito's life numbered to a matter of weeks at best, that was where the reality of the situation hit her and her eyes began to brim with hot tears she didn't want to cry. "You can cut the bullshit and just tell me that this is a joke," she snapped, giving Kaito's leg a hard punch as the doctor paled at her outburst. "I've known Kaito for years and he's never once acted sick, and now you're telling me he's dying in a few weeks?"

"The power of medicine, that's what it's always been, Maki Roll," he murmured in return, the punch barely fazing him as having happened. "Medicine that wasn't actually doing anything for what I had, because what I've got's so rare that there aren't medications to tackle all of it at once. Isn't that right, doc?"

The doctor replied with another long explanation, which Maki spent the time half-listening while watching Kaito's reactions. He seemed entirely at peace with what he was hearing, almost as if this had been the conclusion he knew was coming for a good amount of his life, but his acceptance of this information was so unlike him. If this were the Kaito she knew, he'd be talking about how it would be impossible to kill him, or how he'd live out of the sheer desire for him to achieve his dreams, or…anything that wasn't the silent nods and the stone-like position he'd taken sitting there in the room. When she was asked if she had any questions about the diagnosis or the remaining steps in making his last days comfortable, she considered asking again why this seemed to be an acceptable thing to be telling her, but the way Kaito had handled her hearing all of it told her more than she needed to know. "If I have any questions, I'll ask Kaito, thank you," she said, after which the doctor told them they could take all the time they needed to talk there in the room and to leave the door open when they left.

In his absence, she turned right to her boyfriend, intending on asking him why this was something he'd just had dropped on her, but he seemed primed to say something to her instead. "I honestly thought we'd beaten it with the last treatments," he said, his voice low but otherwise normal. "Coming over here five days a week, them sticking me with needles and doing all those injections and fluid draws, it just seemed like we'd made real progress and that maybe I was gonna get to live life to the fullest."

"Five days a week? But you were going to, you always told me, you mean you weren't going to classes for astronaut stuff like you said?" That was a constant thing that Maki had heard from him, that he was taking courses on things relevant to his big interest in life and that he had to spend a lot of time doing things related to that. "You used space as a cover for trying to save your life?"

"I didn't know how to tell you what was really going on!" As his voice raised, it seemed that it got more choked up, until he had to cough to clear his throat and out came blood that had collected in the time he'd been being quiet. "When it got to this point, with the blood being an everyday thing, that was when I had to get re-evaluated and…I guess it got to the point of being terminal under all our noses. I couldn't just go and die without letting you know what was happening, which is why I had you come here today."

She felt rage building inside of her chest but she couldn't bring herself to take it out on him, in this vulnerable state where he was more dead than alive and didn't have much time left to spend with her. "And I thank you for at least letting me in on it now, but what happens next? You're dying, Kaito, and there's nothing to do to stop it."

"Weren't you listening? I'm scheduled to get moved into hospice care in a couple days, which is why the movers came to take most of my stuff yesterday. I've gotta clean up the place so when I leave they can get everything else out, and from there…" He coughed again, this time for longer and with a lot more blood coming up. It took him a second to resume speaking after he'd spat out everything in his mouth, and what he said was nothing Maki had wanted to hear come from those bloodstained lips. "I've already gone and looked at the place, my grandparents helped decide where I'm staying, it's nice but there's mostly old people there who're dying of old people things. Not exactly a place for a young guy like me."

Although she'd never been in a place like that in her life, Maki could imagine a building swarming with dying old folks, and then Kaito looking completely out of place amongst them. "That doesn't sound like anywhere you really want to be."

"It isn't, but it's that or being stuck in the hospital until I die, because there's no point in trying what we've already tried. Usually there's no such thing as impossible, but in this case, the only thing that's possible is dragging things out longer than needed." He was beginning to look uncomfortable, as if talking about his too-real mortality was starting to weigh heavily on him, and he reached to grab Maki's hand, which she gave him without hesitation. "I'm sorry I never told ya before it got to this point, but I knew you wouldn't believe a word of it if it was me saying it. And now that you know, uh, we've gotta tell the others."

She understood his reasoning, because something this extreme coming from him alone would be unbelievable, but if she was there to back up his word then the possibility of people accepting it as the truth went up. Even if the people in question were two of the most believing and observant people they knew, it would still take some honest convincing to believe that their dear Kaito was so close to death without any of them having known until then. On their way back to his apartment, Maki couldn't stop thinking about what she'd learned and how passive he seemed to be about what he was going through, but if he'd spent his whole life fighting this and it was a losing battle, it made sense that he was throwing in the towel when all hope was lost.

The time between them getting there and their friends arriving was spent cleaning up the place, organizing what belongings that were left for quick removal and clearing the floor of all those empty pill bottles. Maki didn't throw them into the trash, but rather piled them up on the countertop so that they could be disposed of later, a reminder of what she'd walked into the day before that she'd never forget. While she was doing that, he was in and out of his bedroom, moving clothes and some of his most treasured possessions into a bag that he had sitting in the corner, and at about the same time he finished she was looking to find something else to do. That was how they got into beginning to clean out his closet, and it was in there that she found a box full of hospital bracelets, of pictures of a young Kaito with different doctors and nurses that he'd had over the years, and of medicine labels that ranged in age from months to decades old.

"Found my collection of everything tying me down, huh?" he asked, standing over her with a smile on his face as she turned to look at him, closing the box tightly. "My grandparents started that for me when I was little and I guess I kept up with it, just in case I managed to beat this and could display it all somewhere. They're gonna take it with them when I…you know, don't live here anymore."

Those might have been the words he said, but his hesitation told her that he was going to say _when I die_, and just the thought of him having a plan for his poor grandparents to remember him by something made her feel sick to her stomach. "I can't believe you're accepting this like you are," she said, setting the box aside to get to the next one, which was full of space memorabilia that physically upset her more. "You're always spouting your hope nonsense and how you're going to do this, you're going to achieve that, and you're just laying down and digging yourself your own grave here. What gives?"

"Spending my whole life being told there's a chance that I'll outgrow the disease, that I'll be able to be cured, that I'll be able to take a new medicine that'll stop the development, only to learn that all we've done is make the life I've lived easier but not stopped a damn thing, that's what gives." His smile was faltering, but because she was rifling through his boxes she couldn't tell he was crying until she felt a teardrop hit her on the top of her head. "I'm not ready to die, Maki Roll, I'm really not. There's so much I've wanted to do in my life that I'm never going to get done because of this."

Of all the things she could have done right then, staying silent was what she chose because she knew he was hurting, she knew he was emotionally weak right then, and she didn't want to upset him further. A reprieve from the situation came when there was a knock at the door, and they had to collect themselves and go greet who was there to meet with him—a bright-eyed, smiling couple who immediately became attuned to the fact that something was wrong. "I'm glad the two of you could make time for this," Kaito said upon their arrival, trying not to notice that they were both looking around, seeing what was so different there in the apartment. Maki took it upon herself to block the sight of most of the bottles on the counter, but her short height compared to the person trying to see past her made her attempt mostly ineffective.

"It's unlike you to ask us to come over without explanation," Shuichi replied, his eyes having locked onto the bottles for a split second before moving on, Maki biting her lip to keep herself from calling attention to the fact that he'd seen them. "We made sure to clear our schedules for the night because it seemed urgent."

"Urgent, and not a joke," Kaede added, leaning forward to see around Shuichi, only to be greeted with Maki's focused face. "I can tell just looking at Maki that whatever this is, it's serious business."

As much as she hated that her expression gave away the severity of what was happening, it made diving into the explanation easier. Since there was nowhere to sit aside from the floor, they gathered in a circle in what had previously been the living room, which just had the TV on its stand and a few assorted boxes of belongings. From there, Kaito began telling his friends what was going on, with Maki there to back him up despite having only learned the gravity of the situation hours before, and by the time he'd gotten everything off his chest Kaede was crying into Shuichi's shoulder while he was turned, looking at those bottles on the counter with narrowed eyes.

"All this time we've known each other and I never would've guessed you were hiding something like this." Giving a sniffle as he slowly turned back around, wiping his eye as he faced the others, Shuichi rest his hand gently on Kaede's arm and began stroking it gently, to comfort her. "I suppose it makes sense, given how…insistent you were that we have our wedding sooner rather than later. I just don't know how I never noticed that something was off about you, at any point."

"He kept it well-hidden, that's for sure." Maki's words sounded harsher than she wanted them to, but in all honesty she was thankful that she hadn't been the only one oblivious to the truth Kaito was keeping from them. "When I walked in here yesterday, all those bottles were on the floor and I thought, you know, that he was trying to kill himself. Never would've guessed those were for trying to keep him alive."

"What can I say, I put on a good show." The laugh Kaito gave resulted in him coughing up a chunk of blood that made his story all the more believable, and when he could finally talk again he chose to use his words less for humor and more for seriousness. "My move-in date for the hospice is in a couple days, I'd love it if you guys would help with getting me settled in over there, and visiting me while I'm there and all that. It's not going to be as great as coming over here used to be, but it'll, uh, be nice to have you guys with me."

"Give us the time and we'll make it happen. Your comfort and happiness matter more right now that anything we have going on." It was clear that Shuichi was trying to keep a brave face for Kaito, but the way his voice cracked as he talked gave away his true feelings. This was someone having to help his best friend for one of the last times in his life, it wasn't something that could be approached without getting a bit teary-eyed.

But the more Maki thought about it, the more she realized that it wasn't right for Kaito to be going into this place he wanted no part of, it wasn't where he deserved to spend the last weeks of his life. She didn't know all the details of his care, she didn't know if there were still medications he needed to take or any kinds of treatments they'd still be giving him once he was in the hospice, but she knew that letting him die in that place was doing his spirit a disservice. He didn't deserve to be locked away in his last weeks, he deserved to get to explore and have adventures and live the life he'd have gotten to lead if he hadn't been hiding this illness.

Convincing the doctors and medical staff to let this happen would be impossible, but Kaito had always sworn that the impossible was possible, if one made it so, and she was going to make the impossibility of a happy ending happen for him. All it took was telling him he wasn't going to the hospice, and that he needed to get everything he was going to take there with him and put it in her car, get out all of the money he had to his name (while she got out everything she had to hers), and drive into the night when everyone was coming to help him move the following morning.

Life was too short to roll with all its punches, sometimes people had to take fate into their own hands.

* * *

They had left a note behind, to tell everyone who came to help Kaito with his transition to his new home where he had gone and that he wasn't intending on coming back. The paper was smudged with tears in places, as he had cried a couple times while writing it, and Maki hadn't been able to hold herself together when she'd added that he was with her and that she was going to do all she could to make his last weeks the best time of his life. The people who read it understood their decision to make that choice, even if it was painful to accept that the last time they'd see that bright-eyed man alive might have passed them by.

By the time everyone was gathered to read that note, they'd gotten far enough out of town for Maki to feel comfortable stopping for them to get some sleep. "I hope you're fine with sleeping in here," she said, parking the car in a small lot nestled up against a scenic overlook, "because I'm tired, you're not driving, and we aren't sleeping out on the ground."

"I'm fine with wherever, as long as you're fine with what it takes for me to sleep." She was confused about that addition, until he got out of his seat and went around to the trunk of the car, which she opened for him so he could get into it. When he came back, he had with him a portable breathing machine, complete with a large mask that made her cringe to see in his hand. "Used to be just for the nights where it would get bad, but now that there's always a chance I'm gonna suffocate in my sleep I've been wearing it nightly. It's not too loud, but if you're a light sleeper this might not work."

As he was getting back into his seat, the machine tucked between his legs as he fiddled with getting the mask on, she was trying not to watch him transform himself into an unfamiliar face, something she'd never expected to see. "This is why we've never spent the night together, isn't it?" He gave her a thumbs-up as an answer, and she inhaled sharply, before quickly turning to look outside at the midday sky. "I wouldn't have judged you for this if you'd told me about it. Normal people use those sorts of things all the time."

With the mask on, all he could do was look at her, hoping that the expression in his eyes would be enough to get his point across, but she wasn't looking in his direction so it was useless. He turned the machine on, the loud whirring of its motor filling the air between them, and he reclined his seat to go to sleep quickly and without too much struggle. Once she assumed he wasn't going to be awake, she looked back over at him, the mask obscuring who he was so that if she didn't know that he was the love of her life, the man she'd give everything for, she would have thought he was a stranger. "Kaito, you really didn't have to keep all this secret from me for so long," she muttered, reaching over to stroke the side of his face, just above the strap holding the mask in place. He flinched at her touch but did not react further, and she sighed. "If I'd known this is how it would end, I would've done things differently with you."

She watched his gentle breathing, aided by the machine, for quite some time, until her eyelids began to feel heavy and she drifted off to sleep. The first thing she heard when she woke up was Kaito's voice, telling her that she did everything exactly as she needed to. "I wouldn't have asked for anything but what you gave me," he said, the machine put away into the backseat and him acting as if nothing was wrong. "You didn't deserve to be burdened with all this nonsense, that's why I never told you about it. I thought, the doctors thought, we all thought I was going to be cured of it someday. It wasn't supposed to get this bad."

"Still doesn't change the fact that I could've done more if I'd known sooner." Maki yawned, opening her door so she could stretch her legs outside the car. The sky had darkened, the sun setting on the horizon behind them, and she realized that staying where they were overnight was not an option now that she was decently rested. They'd have to keep moving, see how far they could get before they needed to sleep again.

They stopped to eat in the closest town, and it was while they were going back out to the car after their meal that Kaito stopped in his tracks, his head turned up to the skies. "You can really see the stars out here tonight," he remarked, Maki rolling her eyes at his observation before scolding herself for being so negative about what he was doing, given that he wouldn't be doing it much longer. "Don't you think they look great, Maki Roll?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, they're beautiful." Even if she wasn't going to be negative about him being fascinated by the stars, she wasn't going to wholeheartedly play along. "Can we please get going? There's a town a few hours from here that I think we could get a room in."

Off in his own world, Kaito hadn't even heard what Maki had said and was instead still fixated on the sky above. "If it wasn't gonna be a waste, I'd get this scene tattooed on my body. I've been stargazing my whole life and I've never seen the stars this bright. I bet an artist could do a great job of…making this permanent on someone."

"But you just said it would be a waste," she pointed out, getting him to finally look down sadly at her and follow her lead to get back in the car. The conversation continued as they drove away, going from talking about how wasteful him getting the stars tattooed on his skin would be, to the possibility of someone else doing it for him, to her agreeing to have it done for him, only because she loved him. It was a simple enough request, even if it was something she wouldn't have done otherwise, and so when they got to the town and found a hotel with a vacancy for a couple nights, one of the goals of their time spent there was to find an artist who would fulfill Kaito's wish to the letter.

Needles didn't bother Maki, and they certainly didn't bother Kaito either, but the idea of having ink put into her body wasn't something she was comfortable with, up until she was sitting there, her pants stripped off so that the artist they'd found could have full access to the side of her thigh, the largest expanse of skin that she felt comfortable with donating to the cause. When the tattoo gun was brought to her leg for the first time, she closed her eyes and braced herself for pain, but what she got was the noise but not much in the way of a feeling. "Your leg is going to look amazing when this is done," Kaito said as encouragement, watching the needle moving in the gun intently, if not a bit jealously. "You'll be able to trace the stars even during the day!"

"Sounds like something you'd enjoy more than me, but whatever." She wasn't able to bring herself to look at the progress until after the artist had to take a break before continuing, the pale and scarred skin now covered in a mostly dark layer with splashes of deeper color, as well as spots where the stars were going to be added. "I think this would have looked a lot better on you than me, Kaito, no matter what."

"Of course it would've looked better on me, I'm the one who wanted this! But, you know, it doesn't make sense for me to have it when you're the one who's living past all this." He flashed her his grin, but all she noticed when she looked at it was his lips were once again tinged with blood. She hadn't even heard him coughing, it had already become something normal to the point that she didn't pay attention when it was happening, but she could only wonder what the artist must've thought when this man here was choking out blood while watching his girlfriend get a tattoo of his choosing.

They spent most of that day there, and were able to walk out that evening with her new art completed and with directions for how to care for it over the coming weeks. The attention to detail that the artist had given had earned him a nice amount of money for his work, and when they were leaving he did wish them the best in whatever it was they were doing, adding that paying for someone's tattoo was something spouses and drunk friends did, and they seemed to be neither. "I mean, he's right," admitted Kaito once they were in the car going to get something for dinner before heading back to their hotel room. "We're not married and we're more than friends, but…we could be one of those things if you wanted."

It took all of Maki's strength not to slam on the brakes when he said that, her mind jumping to the less-pleasant of the two conclusions. "I drive you out of town to keep you from being sent to hospice care and get a tattoo because it'd be useless for you to get one, and you're going to break up with me? Right now?"

"Maki Roll, I want you to be with me up until I die, which we know is coming up here pretty soon. It's not the most glamorous way to ask, and we're not going to be able to do much about it, but I'd like to get to marry you before I go." He was trying his best not to let his voice shake as a result of her angered outburst and how he felt about what he was saying, but she could hear the clear tremble in every word. "Please, my name is about the only thing I can give you at this point. I need you to take it."

What she wanted to say was "there are other things you can give me", but upon considering what that could mean she decided to swallow those words down, giving him a rapid, wordless nod as an answer. She never really thought of herself as the type of person to get married when she was young, the particular line of work she'd found herself in didn't promote itself to domesticity, but this wasn't Kaito asking her to settle down with him. This was him asking her to take his name, so that when he died what he'd stood for wasn't lost forever, that a part of him always lingered with her long after he was gone.

"I guess we should look into somewhere we can take care of that quickly then, huh?" he asked after her nodding had ended, her attention going back to the road. "I know a lot of times people have to make appointments for that sort of thing, but I don't know if we've got the time for that."

"Don't worry, I'll make it happen for you." The determination in her voice was strong, her mind set on filling this request of his just like she'd gone through with getting that tattoo on his behalf. She was certain this was the only man she'd ever love, she'd jump through hoops and go to the ends of the universe to make sure that the last weeks of his life were spent exactly how he needed them to be, and if he wanted to die a married man, she'd take care of that without question. "You don't need to worry about anything, Kaito. I'll handle it."

Had he known what her method for handling things was going to be, he might have tried to stay more involved, but crossing Maki when she had a plan did not seem like a good idea. "I believe in you," he told her with a smile, "and I know you'll make everything work."

Making it work meant going into the local government building the next day and explaining the situation from start to finish, making it very clear that they were a couple of young adults, sure, but one of them was suffering from a terminal illness with weeks to live and his dying wish was to get to marry his girlfriend. In order to make it convincing, Maki was fully prepared to force herself into tears and become overdramatic for the sake of getting her way, but Kaito managed to help her out by having a coughing fit that required him to spend several minutes throwing up blood much to the disgust of the official at the counter. As that seemed to be a fairly convincing point to add to her story, the official made time for them and bent a couple rules to get the proper paperwork filled out so that, in the eyes of the law, they were married to one another.

It was just as plain and rushed as the proposal had been the night before, no ceremony to speak of and no witnesses aside from some strangers there for their own purposes, but the point was not to be over-the-top. The point was to give Kaito closure on another request before he died, and as much as Maki didn't want him to die she knew that signing those papers and leaving the building as his legal wife was another way of saying that the inevitable was coming up faster than she'd have liked.

They stopped at a store with the intention of getting some treats to celebrate their decision together, but they walked out with quite a bit more than that. It had been Kaito's idea, as they were walking through and he saw some cute summery dresses on a clearance rack, which caused him to stop and call for Maki to look at what he'd seen. "I'm just saying, you'd look amazing in one of those, any of them, really, and since I'm not making it to next summer maybe you could…?"

"If you get me in one of those, then it's only fair that I make you wear something you wouldn't usually get caught de—something you wouldn't choose to wear for yourself." Chiding herself for almost using a term about death at him, Maki looked at the dresses and scowled at how unlike her they seemed, but she figured that was Kaito's purpose in pointing them out. She'd just gotten married in normal clothes, now they were going to break out the fancy wear to celebrate it. "I'll do it, I suppose, but you're wearing shorts and a button-up in return, got it?"

"Wouldn't want it any other way," he replied, grabbing her tight in a hug for a moment before pointing at which dress on the rack was his favorite. It was easily the gaudiest one there, covered in fake pearls that looked like little stars against the blue background; of course he'd pick the one that reminded him the most of space. To retaliate, she picked out something for him to wear that had clashing patterns, but he enjoyed it more than she expected he would, and once they were back at their room with their snacks and their new clothes (as well as some cheap jewelry they found, because he was insistent she get a ring and she refused to let him spend much on it), they began their celebration by changing into their outfits and going down to the lobby to have the front desk attendant take pictures of them.

Explaining themselves wasn't necessary, it was the same attendant that had been there when they'd first shown up in the middle of the night and she knew that they were a bit different, but the pictures came out as nice as they could and those would be memories that could be shared with all of their friends at some point in the future. Or at least they could be shared if anyone cared to see them, if there was anyone who'd forgive them for running off and doing this kind of reckless thing without letting anyone know before they were gone. Maki was certain that there would be forgiveness once she got to properly explain the decision to leave, the note they'd left barely scratched the surface of the reasons behind them going, but there was the chance that no explanation would be good enough.

They had _needed_ to leave town when they did, or else they'd never have gotten out and Kaito would have been stuck spending the last of his days somewhere he didn't want to be, and that would have been an injustice to him. Seeing him there in the hotel room, sitting around in his plaid shorts and floral shirt with a smile on his face and no physical sign of the fate he was walking into, it made Maki confident that their choice to leave had been the right one to make. If they'd stayed, she'd be tattoo-less and they'd be unmarried and none of Kaito's dreams would have ever been chased, and letting him do as he wanted was the most important thing of all.

Having run out of things to do around the area, they packed up the car and headed out the next morning, leaving yet another place behind in their memories. They drove a couple hours at a time, before stopping at sightseeing places or in small towns along the way, always leaving whenever Kaito started to seem bored with what they were doing. This trip was all about him, all about making sure he was getting to do what he wanted, and Maki was going to do her best to give him everything he wanted.

When he asked to go out on some dirt road, because he'd always wanted to try sleeping on the hood of a car underneath the stars, she was hesitant but she did it anyway, and they spent several hours that night on top of the car, a blanket thrown over them both, him telling her the different constellations they could see from where they were. "When I die, my grandparents are going to arrange for my ashes to go up into space," he said at one point, his finger pointing towards a set of bright stars. "I've already got a star named after me because of them, and they're going to let me go find it the only way I'll ever be able to."

Hearing that made Maki realize that no matter how far they went on this journey, she'd have to take him home in the end, so that his grandparents could make good on their promise to him. "I know you'll find your way to the stars, even if it's not physically," she replied, not wanting to think about the logistics of getting him back home if he died before they could return. "That's your dream, and you'll make it happen."

"I wish I'd make it happen while alive, but sometimes things just don't work how you want them to." He brought his arm down, tucking it under the blanket with the rest of his body, and he coughed, turning away from Maki to spit out whatever blood had come up before he continued speaking. "I knew that I'd never be a real astronaut, but commercial space travel's going to be a thing in the future and I always hoped I'd be around to get into the cosmos on a passenger flight."

Even though she was not interested in going to space in the slightest, Maki felt that it would be most appropriate right then to look at him, a serious expression on her face, and tell him, "I will do it for you, whenever it happens. I'll take your name and your memory into space as soon as I possibly can. That's a promise I'll keep until the day I die."

"Must be nice to not know that's right around the corner," he muttered, her cursing at herself for being so careless with her wording. "I'm not mad that you get to live on and I'm not gonna, but it does hurt a bit knowing that I spent all my life hoping for a miracle that never came, and now I'm losing everything and I never really had much to begin with."

"That's not true, Kaito, you have friends and family and…and you have me." Underneath the blanket, she gave him her hand and he held it tightly, his fingers interlacing in hers to make the grip stronger. "And you'll have me until your last breath, and after that I'll have you in my heart until my last breath, I'm losing you physically but that's it." This was sappier than she'd ever figured she'd get, and it felt incredibly awkward to be spewing such nonsense, but it felt right in the moment and she knew it was helping him to hear it.

Stargazing on the hood of the car became something they did every night they weren't renting a room at a hotel, sitting outside until it got too cold and then they climbed back in the car and slept there. Kaito loved being able to be outside, to be able to see the stars he loved so dearly, and Maki had started to come around on hearing him explain all the constellations and star names to him. This was knowledge that would transcend his life, something else she'd be able to carry with her, and any piece of Kaito she could keep was one she wanted to get. He'd talk and talk until his chest grew heavy and he started coughing more than he could get words out, and then he'd be quiet and let her talk if she wanted to, or they'd sit in silence as they waited for it to get cold enough to get back in the car.

Every night she'd wait until he fell asleep before she'd drift off, making sure that his machine was helping him breathe as needed, the fear that it wouldn't be enough crossing her mind every time he put the mask on. She knew how to take lives, it was something she'd been doing since she was a child, but saving one was a foreign concept. If he started choking in his sleep, she'd be helpless and he'd die without her giving any sort of attempt to save him.

This was a fear that she vocalized to him after they'd been gone for nearly two weeks, when it seemed he was spending more time coughing up blood than doing anything else. "If it's time for me to go, don't worry about it," he assured her, giving her a smile that she wanted to resist falling for. "I'm going to hold on as long as I can, but I already told you back at the start that I'm trying to get off all those medications and once I'm off completely, it won't be easy for me to keep breathing."

"You're still taking them?" she asked, the news coming as a surprise to her. They'd spent nearly every waking moment together since they'd left town, if he was still medicating right in front of her she must have been instinctively ignoring it. "I figured you gave that up once you learned this was going to be fatal anyway."

"I thought about it, but I'd just gotten new bottles and it seemed like a waste if I didn't use them." Shrugging, he continued with, "All I've got left are the painkillers, which I don't think I want to live without, and the one making me puke up all the blood all the time. That's the one that'll kill me once it's gone, and I've got about half the bottle left so do with that what you will."

His honesty was painful to hear, but Maki was sure that it hurt him a hell of a lot more to say it than it hurt her to hear it. "If you got that bottle before we left, then we've got a couple weeks before it's the end, right? If that's the case…" Her mind was working hard to think of all the things there were left that they could do, and she was coming up with blanks. That was the curse of impulsively deciding to leave, she supposed, but they couldn't just turn around and go back then. He'd get taken to hospice after all and the end of his life would be just as miserable as it would have been had she not stepped in. "We're going to find new adventures, Kaito. Every town we'll find something new. How does that sound?"

"With you? Sounds amazing."

* * *

In one town it was a waterfall that was a three-hour hike to get to, that they barely reached before Kaito started coughing too hard to make the walk back down and Maki had to carry him on her back the whole way. In the next town there was a museum about aliens that they visited, that they thought was cheesy but it did strike up discussion about other lifeforms that may or may not exist. There was a town with a cheese factory tour that they took, and there was a town that had a winery that they went to, and got a bottle of wine that was labeled as old as they were, but didn't try any samples at. Each day was a new adventure, somewhere new to spend time together, before they were back to driving to the next destination. It was beginning to get colder, and the stargazing was limited to whatever they could see inside the car, but it meant that the nights were spent snuggled up together in hotel rooms that ranged from run-down to fancier than Maki ever imagined she'd be able to set foot in.

After a particularly rough night of sleep for her bedfellow, one where she kept being woken up by him coughing and shooting up from his half-laying position, she properly woke up to the sight of him sitting at the edge of the bed, his mask broken on the floor by his feet. "I had to get it off somehow, or else I was going to suffocate on my own blood," he explained when she motioned towards it. "Damn thing started filling up and I couldn't breathe, Maki."

It was the first time in a long while that he'd referred to her without her nickname, and she could tell with the panic in his voice that it was a conscious choice. "Don't worry, I'm sure they make masks like that for people who need their mouths free. We can go find you one."

"That's not how it works, and I know it. You…you haven't had to deal with the medical catalogues, picking out what you can use and what you can't. The mask doesn't work, so now I have to go to the last-resort option I've been carrying in my bag just in case we got here." Getting off the bed and kicking the mask into the wall, watching it break further, Kaito went to his bag and opened it, pulling out a small canister and its attached tubing, only to remove the canister and put it back. "I've always hated this thing, and honestly I'd rather not use it, but if I've got it why waste it?"

"Just like the medication, I get it." She watched as he carefully unraveled the tubing, finding the part meant to go over his face, and demonstrated putting it on. "So that's how you're going to sleep, with that thing on?"

He looked at her, then at the tube dangling off of his face, before giving a nod. "Don't have much of a choice, unless I want tonight to be my last night. I have to get air into my lungs somehow, and this isn't going to do as much as the mask but it'll be something. And when I start struggling when I'm awake, that's what the oxygen tank is for. But let's hope I don't get to that point, being stuck relying on a machine to sleep is bad enough."

If he was complaining about something being "bad enough", she couldn't begin to imagine how much worse it could get. "For your sake, I hope you don't get to that point either," she agreed, figuring that would be the end of the conversation and it wouldn't get brought up again. But a couple days later, after they'd gone even further from home with zero intentions of turning back around, she found him almost lifeless in the passenger seat as she was driving, his breathing weak and his eyes glazing over, and that was when they had to accept that it _had_ gotten to the point he wanted to avoid.

Their lives now had to accommodate the fact that he needed assistance breathing at all hours, his machine still helping him at night and the portable tank working during the day. It was a physical reminder of how close to death he was treading, seeing him with the tube across his face (which he'd tape at night, to keep it in place, but during the day he managed without assistance), and it made her whole body tense up to see him switching between the two as he decided if he was going to be awake or asleep.

The daily adventures were coming to an end, because he was losing the energy to be able to do much more than talk with her about whatever was on his mind, and even then he was slowly starting to talk less and less to save his voice. When they'd be driving, she'd have to stop frequently for him to cough and throw up, and their nights were spent with him constantly waking up to try and clear his chest of as much blood as he could. It didn't mean that they still weren't doing things together, because if an idea for something crossed Kaito's mind and he suggested it, if it were remotely plausible she would make sure it happened.

They watched several sunrises over oceans, and sunsets over cities, and he would quietly tell her about how much he missed being able to stargaze with her. They found a planetarium and managed to rent a wheelchair while they were there, so she could push him around to see the miniscule replicas of what space was supposed to look like, letting him read all the articles about space exploration that they'd acquired and talk excitedly to the employees about how he had always wanted to be an astronaut. That pure joy, that excitement, made Maki hurt more than seeing him suffering had; he was still so full of life despite everything, and that was slipping away from him quickly.

That was the day she decided it was time to turn back and head home, after seeing him so full of life and hope there at the planetarium. She wanted to give everyone else a chance to see him like that one more time before he was gone, now that he didn't have the strength to explore like he had at the start. It was a hard decision to make, but it was one that she didn't have to explain to him, because he was spending most of their travel time asleep anyway. Making it a point to stop only in places they'd skipped over before, she tried to keep the backtracking a secret from him, not wanting him to assume she was giving up on him.

But he was smarter than she was giving him credit for, and he called attention to her decision after a couple days of retreading old ground. "Since we're going back, do you think we can stop in the first town we spent time in again?" he asked at a time when she thought he was asleep, his voice rather soft. "I had an idea for something I want you to get tattooed on your arm, for me, and I…don't know, I want the guy who did your leg to do it."

"I'm sure I can make that work," she answered, coming up with a plan in her head as to how to make that happen. The trip out to their furthest point had taken so long because of side trips and distractions off of the beaten path, so going back didn't take nearly as long as leaving had, but it was still long enough of a travel time that by the time they'd gotten to that town Kaito was more or less a shell of what he'd once been. He was barely awake anymore, and when he was he was oddly silent, the effort of talking oftentimes too much for him to put himself through.

She spoke to him even though she didn't expect any answers, trying to keep his spirits up long enough for them to get where they were going, but when they arrived in that town and showed up outside the tattoo parlor, he found it in himself to be able to participate in the conversation with the artist long enough to get his request for a second piece across. He was given a piece of paper and a pen, and scribbled something down on it for the artist to see, and the artist was beyond willing to put whatever had been written on the paper on Maki's forearm, somewhere a lot more difficult to hide than her thigh piece was.

This time, she didn't have much of a choice but to watch the needle going against her arm, because no sooner had the artist put the sketch lines on her skin had Kaito fallen asleep in one of the empty chairs, his machine on to keep him breathing just in case something were to happen. She couldn't stomach watching him sleep, and there wasn't anything else going on in the shop, so seeing the tattoo come to life was her only option. From the moment the sketch had been finalized she knew what was coming, and her heart panged at the realization that she was going to not just have one of Kaito's favorite phrases on her skin for the rest of her life, but his signature as well.

It was done in bright purple with the occasional deep lowlight, and surrounding it were a couple stars that looked similar to the ones she had already gotten etched into her skin, but to see _the impossible is possible, all you gotta do is make it so_ followed by his name made what she knew was coming feel so much closer than it needed to be. That was one of his mantras, one of those things he'd tell anyone who needed the inspiration, and now she was going to be able to look at it every day and hear it in his voice—hear it in the way he'd said it to her over and over again back when he believed that an impossible cure for his illness was going to happen. She thanked the artist over and over again when he finished the work, moving to pay him but he stopped her, gesturing towards Kaito's sleeping form and telling her that granting someone's last wish was worth more than payment was.

The certainty with which that was said made her heart skip several beats in succession, but it didn't stop her from shoving money at him before waking Kaito up so they could get going. It was going to be an overnight drive to get home, but she didn't feel comfortable stopping for the night and neither did he. "Maki, I've got one more request for you," he whispered once they were on their way, the machine still whirring between his legs where he was holding it. "I've never been to your place before, do you think we can go there next?"

She glanced over at him for a second, seeing his eyes closed and his face glistening with sweat in the sunset light, before she nodded, focusing back on the road. "Of course, Kaito, we'll go anywhere you want to."

"I'm sure you've got the nicest bed I'll ever sleep in," he continued, before he started coughing and she had to stop the car so he didn't vomit blood all over himself or his belongings. While he was sitting hunched over, blood draining from his mouth out of the side of the car, she was trying her hardest to not let her tears fall, her lower jaw trembling as she tried to keep her composure. Even with the interruption, once he was good to go and they were back on their way, he was quietly talking about how all he wanted to do when they got to her home was to sleep in her bed. "I bet you have lots of pillows I can use to prop myself up, and then I'll get comfortable and it'll be the best sleep of my life."

"I might not have as much as you're expecting, but there'll be enough for you." Whether he heard her or not, she didn't know, because she was speaking at a similar volume to him as to mask her sadness. "There will always be enough for you."

He must not have heard her, because after a few minutes of them riding in silence, he gave as close to a sigh as he could without triggering another coughing fit before saying, "I love you, Maki. You've done so much to make these last weeks easy on me and I…I'm sorry that this is how it's going to end."

"Don't be sorry, you didn't ask for it. And don't give up yet, you're still alive, aren't you?" Hearing him tell her that he loved her pushed her over the breaking point, and she was sobbing her words. "You're not one to just accept fate as it comes at you, and I know you're going to keep fighting until there's nothing left, so don't talk to me like you're dying right now! You want to get to see where I live, damn it I'm going to make sure you get to see it!" There was no response except a soft laugh, but she knew that he was still awake there for quite some time. She didn't have anything more to say right then, nor did she know how she'd manage to say anything else with how hard the crying hit her, and so the drive continued on with her being an emotional mess and him sitting in silence.

They made it back into town just as the sky was brightening for the day, her having gone way faster than she should have on the roads, but staying out longer felt like it would have been a mistake. When she pulled up outside the dorm building she called home, she went to announce their arrival to him but found him to be asleep, so she let him rest as she moved everything from the car up into her tiny room. The last thing she did was wake him up, carefully helping him up the flights of stairs and into her room, setting him on her bed like he'd asked for. "You're going to lay here with me, aren't you?" he asked her when he saw her looking through his bag. "Whatever you're trying to find, you're not going to find it."

"Who said I was looking for something?" Even in his weakened state he was able to call attention to her actions correctly, and she stopped digging long enough to give him a glare, before realizing that the words that usually came with said glare would be grossly inappropriate in that moment. "Okay, okay, I was seeing where you'd hidden your medicine, since I know you haven't taken—"

"I ran out yesterday." Four words that she knew were coming eventually, but that she hadn't wanted to hear, and they were followed with more words that cut just as deep. "Those are out, the oxygen tank's empty, I'm where I want to be…that's with you, Maki. Now lay with me, it's the last thing I ask."

There was a sharpness in his voice as he spoke, a seriousness she'd never heard Kaito take before, and going against it seemed like a bad idea. As he got himself comfortable in the bed, moving all of her pillows to underneath him to keep his head up, she made herself a spot on the very edge so he could have the most room, her phone in her hand so she could contact people as needed. That didn't mean she wasn't going to try and get some explanation for his strange choice, though. "Of all the places you could have asked to go, why did you choose here? I could've taken you to your grandparents' house, or to see Shuichi and Kaede, or anywhere really, but you wanted to be somewhere you'd never been. Why is that?"

"Wanted to see it for myself." It was barely an answer, but given how tired he looked and how rough he had been sounding since he'd been woken up, it was acceptable for what it was. It was then that Maki noticed that he'd taken the tube off of his face and the machine was nowhere in sight, meaning that if he fell asleep now he'd been at the mercy of his body's actions. "I'm so sorry for all this," he began after taking a couple minutes to collect the energy to raise his voice to a level even close to how he'd used to speak. "If you'd known sooner we wouldn't have had to go on this trip."

"Shut up, you idiot, you don't know what you're talking about." Seeing his face crack a smile made tears brim in her eyes, and she leaned in to kiss him, the taste of blood in his mouth ruining the moment but making it at the same time. When she pulled away, she saw that he was beginning to tear up as well, but she hushed him with another kiss, followed with, "If you cry, you die. Can't breathe if you're crying, moron."

His head barely nodded before he closed his eyes, those tears that had formed rolling down his cheeks. "Gonna be honest, I'm ready to sleep for a long time, Maki. You'll stay here with me, won't you?"

"I'll stay with you until the end, don't worry." The fact that "the end" was upon them wasn't something she wanted to acknowledge, trying to seem as hopeful as she could that he wasn't laying there dying. "Go to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

The last thing he did before she knew he was asleep was hold out his hand, which she took in hers and held tightly. Once he was sleeping, his chest barely rising and falling with his rapid breaths, she moved closer to him, and he seemed to sense that she'd done so, because he lay his head on her shoulder and tightened his grip on her fingers. It was hard to do anything on her phone with one hand, but she did manage to navigate her contacts well enough to call his grandparents, explaining to them where they were and that they were welcome to come by if they wanted to see him one last time, but he was sleeping and not very well at that. They seemed eager to accept the offer, and they came by not long after, making her feel awkward as they tried talking to him and about him with her right there, as she wasn't going to go back on her word about being with him.

They were there for over an hour, saying their goodbyes to their only grandson that clearly had meant the world to them. As they were leaving, she told them that they were welcome to stay, but they merely requested that she let them know once he'd passed, the idea of watching his life leave his body too much for their old hearts to endure. Their honesty was appreciated, but the idea that she'd be the only one there for him after he'd spent his whole life being loved and supported scared her more than she was willing to admit. She contacted their friends and let them know what was happening but didn't extend the offer for them to come by, as it was when she was typing the long message to them that she heard a gasp come from Kaito's mouth, which made her nearly jump to her feet.

"I love you, Maki Momota, Radiant Queen of the Universe," he barely managed to choke out, each word taking a moment to come before he had to pause for the next one. She was patient to listen to him, her breathing slowing down and catching in her throat as she waited for each word to come, and by the time he'd finished she was quietly crying to herself.

"And I love you, Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars. Now go back to sleep."

He didn't respond for several minutes, before he breathed out, "You as well, sleep makes you stronger," only to fall back into his rapid breathing that didn't seem to be doing much. She hadn't heard him cough once since they'd gotten to her place, and she wanted so badly to make him try to clear his throat and breathe easier, but she refrained, choosing instead to follow his command rather than act against his wishes. Her message that she was going to send to their friends could wait until later, anyway.

Maki couldn't have guessed how long she'd been asleep, but she only woke up because of a wayward sunbeam sneaking through her window and casting its light onto her bed, directly into her eyes. The first thing she noticed about her room was that it was completely quiet, as if she was there alone; the next thing she noticed was that the hand she was holding in hers was stiff and cold. She didn't need to look to know what had happened, but just to tell herself it was real she moved her body forward and he slid lifelessly down until he was laying on his side, the trickle of blood from his smiling face enough to let her know that he'd gone out on his own terms. He'd wanted her asleep so she didn't see the moment he suffocated, or perhaps drowned, in his own blood, and that was exactly what he'd gotten.

Making good on her word to his grandparents, she let them know that he was gone and that they could come get his body for their cremation and space-sending purposes, before she got out of the bed and found herself collapsing onto the floor, her legs unable to support her in the wake of what had happened. He'd chosen her bed, chosen being at her _side_, for his dying moments, and she'd been there to support him through those last moments exactly as he'd wanted her to be. He died with the woman he loved holding his hand, with his head on her shoulder, as closely intertwined with her as he'd ever gotten in their sleep.

This was as good as his earthly grave, and she didn't think she could ever spend a moment in the room again as long as she lived. His remains might have been intended to go to space, but the memories of those last moments would never leave those walls, so after he had been taken away by his devastated grandparents, she packed her things and sent a modified message to her friends, letting them know that she and she alone was back in town and that she'd be staying with them for the foreseeable future, signed with the married name that she'd never forget the sound of in his breathless voice.

* * *

**A/N: no I don't know what told me writing this was a good idea, but _Sleep on the Floor_ by the Lumineers was stuck in my head and I somehow warped that song (which you should go listen to) into the basis for this story. let me know if it made you emotional while reading it, I know that I cried a time or two while writing it c:**


End file.
